


The Ol' Universe Charm

by Eavenne



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships, Episode: s05e23-24 Reunited, F/M, Falling In Love, First Love, Forbidden Love, High Heels, Idiots in Love, Love Triangles, Love at First Sight, Out of Character, Tragic Romance, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 15:53:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15537675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eavenne/pseuds/Eavenne
Summary: In which Greg works the Ol' Universe Charm.





	The Ol' Universe Charm

**Author's Note:**

> (This, by the way, is complete and total crack and should not be taken seriously. You might lose your sanity trying to do so!)
> 
> Summary: Greg works the Ol' Universe Charm.

“Guess it’s time to work the ol’ Universe Charm!” 

A pause.

Suddenly Garnet whirled around, her skirt rustling with the movement. “That…” She hesitated. “I can’t believe it, but my future vision is telling me that…”

“What?” demanded Amethyst.

“…That this might actually work.”

\---

She was going to look into their eyes, and make them suffer. She was going to make them understand, to make them comprehend her pain and her grief and –

“Er, hi!”

Blue Diamond froze. 

It was the human being from before, the one person who’d been able to understand her feelings!

“It’s, uh, me.” A lopsided smile slid onto the man’s face. He glanced behind him, where a few other gems and humans stood with…wait, Blue had seen those before. Were they…instruments?

He looked up at her, closed his eyes, and sang.

“How are you feeling?  
How are you feeling?  
How are you feeling, Blue?”

\---

Yellow Diamond stared.

And ran forward, for Blue was on the ground and something had to be wrong; perhaps she was injured, or cracked, or –

“Oh, please don’t stop!”

Yellow tried to come to a halt, but her heels sank into the sand and she fell on her face. Somewhere in the distance, someone yelled, “Clod!” as she descended. Curse the stars. Trying to sprint across a beach in high heels had truly been a terrible idea. 

Well, wearing heels to battles over the years had taught her time and time again that the ankle pain and the tripping really wasn’t worth it. 

But she wanted to be taller than Blue, dammit. 

It was difficult to pull her thoughts from the tangent they’d started going on, but Yellow eventually did so. “Are you alright, Blue?” she called, struggling to get to her feet. Beaches and heels really didn’t go well together. To her dismay, she lost her balance once more and slipped, falling to a knee. “Blue!”

At long last, Blue turned to look at her, with a cheerfully puzzled expression on her face. “Oh, Yellow!” she exclaimed. 

Out of the blue, Blue frowned. 

“Yellow, are you al – ”

“Yes, yes, I can’t get up, but that’s not the point!” yelled Yellow, now seriously considering throwing her boots at her sister. “What are you DOING?”

Blue blinked innocently. 

“Oh, well, there’s this human – his name is Greg, don’t you think it’s adorable – and he was singing, Yellow, singing! It’s been so long since I’ve heard decent singing, you know, so… I mean, no offense to you, but he’s just wonderful, and talented, and canikeephim?”

A blush crept over Blue’s face. Yellow threw a boot at her. Though she missed intentionally, the heel stabbed a nearby Peridot, poofing the lesser gem.

Now, finally, Yellow could get to her feet (after ripping the other boot off and throwing it behind her, poofing a flying Lapis Lazuli in the process). 

“No!” she yelled, “We are not going to – ”

A small movement caught her eye. Yellow looked down, and saw a human being peek out at her between the folds of Blue’s dress –

He closed his eyes, and sang.

“Shine bright like a Diamond…”

\---

“I don’t get it.” Bismuth didn’t know what else to say. “I don’t get it.”

“Honestly? Me neither,” said Garnet, staring at the scene before them.

There, a few metres ahead, Blue Diamond was lying on the beach, giggling as Greg sang to her. Nearby, Yellow Diamond, sitting with her head on her knees, watched them from the corner of her eye, her expression almost…shy.

“How – I – ” Pearl was lost for words. “I can’t believe this actually worked.”

Garnet glanced at her. “Well, if Greg could attract one Diamond, I guess he can work his magic on all of them.” She sighed. “My future vision is telling me that this is the best possible timeline we could be in.”

A bright smile lit up Steven’s face. “Wait, really?”

A sudden movement on the beach drew their attention – straightening up, Blue gestured for her hand ship (which was somehow not destroyed). Grabbing Greg and humming the Diamond leitmotif, she flounced toward the ship.

Steven’s eyes widened. “Dad!” he cried, but Garnet laid a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“Greg! Remember to ask them to undo corruption!” she yelled. “And stay safe! We’ll see you soon!”

Everyone stared at her.

A vague gesture and incomprehensible cries for help later, Greg vanished into Blue Diamond’s ship. Standing up, Yellow returned to her own ship (which was also not destroyed) as well.

And they disappeared.

\---

(Three years later)

“Oh, Garnet, this is NOT ‘soon’!” Pearl exclaimed. Now that it was clear that Greg possessed the supernatural ability to make Diamonds fall in love with him, she felt better about losing Pink to him. They’d never been on a level playing field in the first place. “Steven really misses his father!”

Garnet shrugged. “I predict,” she said, “that he will return right…now.”

Everyone dashed outside. A white torso and head slowly descended onto the beach, twinkling ominously…and when it landed, Greg emerged. He looked a little sheepish.

“Oh, Dad, you’re back!” Steven yelled, flying into his father’s embrace. Greg ruffled his hair. “I missed you, Stewball!” he said.

Once all the crying and singing was over, Pearl took him to task. “So, Greg,” she said, “what on earth were you doing on Homeworld? Why did it take you so long? Why did you – ”

Greg glanced away. “Right, well, erm, I met White Diamond and convinced her to undo corruption, like Garnet told me to!” He laughed nervously, kicking at the sand at his feet. “I also maybe convinced the Diamonds to stop invading other planets. Though. It’s not like they’re physically able to do so anymore.”

Everyone stared at him. “WHAT?” Amethyst yelled.

“They’re. Uh. Gone.”

Pearl’s eyes were saucers. “YOU SHATTERED THREE DIAMONDS???? ON HOMEWORLD????” she screeched.

Greg cringed. “Not…exactly.”

Pearl screamed. “DID YOU DO WHAT I THINK YOU – ”

“Steven?” Greg looked like he wanted to throw himself off a cliff. “Let me introduce you to Stephen, Stefan, and Nora.” 

The faint sound of crying drifted from the torso ship.

TRUE END


End file.
